20 Ways to Annoy Lily Evans
by BlueRaspberryLily
Summary: James Potter's List of 20 Things He's Done to Annoy Lily Evans...
1. 20 Ways to Annoy Lily Evans

My name is James Potter, and I'm in love with Lily Evans. I've tried many things in an effort to get her to fall for me, most backfiring to make her hate me.

These are some of the more unsuccessful ones, in a list to help you navigate the dangerous waters of Evans.

Don't try these. I have. They didn't work.

**20 Ways to Annoy Lily Evans**

Ask her if she farted, because she "BLEW YOU AWAY!"

Tell her you had a vision from God telling you that you two will end up together one day.

Tell her that she got drunk last night, and that in her drunken state, she declared the love for you she'd been withholding, and ended up married to you in a ceremony preformed by Dumbledore.

Convince her that her best friend was impregnated by Sirius Black.

Stick a sign on her back with a permanent sticking charm, declaring her "Property of James Potter."

Steal her underwear, and wear them as a hat for a day.

Charm Severus Snape to declare his love for Professor Sprout and attempt to kiss her at dinner, after telling Lily that she and you are meant to be together.

Draw a nude mural of her in the Great Hall in a show of your love. **(A/N: Got that one from 'When in Rome' if anybody noticed that.)**

Charm yourself to look like her best friend, than strategically turn back into yourself as she's changing.

Send her a fake letter from McGonagall telling her she failed all her OWLs and is going to be expelled in an attempt to get her to cry on your shoulder.

Put love potion in her secret chocolate stash.

Because you are too busy admiring her to pay attention, let your Swelling Solution explode all over her in Potions.

Attempt to serenade her with Taylor Swift, having Remus Lupin as a back-up singer, in front of her potential bosses at a Slug Club party.

Pay Peter to follow her around, dressed as Cupid, trying to convince her to go out with you on Valentine's Day.

In an attempt to get her to kiss you, accidently push her into the lake, right into the Giant Squid's tentacles.

Ask her if she's PMSing, in front of the hot, young, and new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher.

Steal her diary to see if you're featured in it, leave it lying around, then find out Sirius has posted pages of it all over the Slytherin Common Room.

Lock her boyfriend in a broom cupboard with Mrs. Norris for 3 days.

Tell her that her head looks like it's on its period.

Not kiss her on the first date.

**SO! Whatcha guys think? Should I continue with this, elaborating on the back story behind each way to annoy her? Let me know please! Review! Please?**

**If you're reading this, I love you(:**

**~Blue Raspberry**


	2. Way to Annoy Lily Evans: Number One

**HYELLO. So, I got a lot of responses saying I should make the back story for each way to way to annoy, so here I am, writing a back story! Hope you like it(: **

_Number One Way to Annoy Lily Evans: Ask her if she farted, because she "BLEW YOU AWAY!"_

"Evans! Hey Evans! Wait up!"

No. No. Not today. Any day but today. Potter could not ruin her perfect day.

Taking a deep breath, Lily Evans slowly turned around to face the spawn of the devil. James Potter jogged after her, his messy hair swishing around, attracting the attention of many watching girls.

Lily couldn't believe how stupid some girls were, to be falling over such an idiot as Potter. He was an arrogant toe-rag, regardless of his talent on the Quidditch pitch. His hazel eyes glinted excitedly from under his glasses.

Her day had perfect up to this moment. She'd walked around Hogsmeade with Alice and Emma, having an amazing Potter free time. Alice Prewitt had gabbled on about Frank, providing the girly talk of the time, where Emmaline Vance was the funny, outgoing one. Both were the best friends any girl could ask for, and they completed the trio that was the hottest girls in Hogwarts. But now, it was ruined by James freaking Potter. Lily decided to play nice, and see if Potter would go away.

"Yes Potter?" Lily asked, in a sugary voice (or what she thought was a sugary voice…).

"Lily, I have a very important question for you." James replied smoothly.

"Yessssss?" Lily drawled, impatient to be on her way. She looked to Emma and Alice for support here, but Alice only shot her a saucy wink before pointing back to Lily's problem.

"Did you just fart? Because YOU JUST BLEW ME AWAYYYYYY!" Potter sung, ending with an earsplitting yell.

Oh shnap. He did not just say that.

Lily's jaw dropped, and she turned to see if her astonishment and outrage at this recent Potter pick-up line was shared by her best friends. It wasn't.

Alice was doubled over, tears of mirth streaming out of her blue eyes, while Emma's dark head was located on the floor, rolling around in laughter. So much for friends. Lily decided to take this into her own hands.

"POTTER! YOU ARROGANT TOE-RAG. YOU ARE UGLIER THAN GERTRUDE MIDGET. THAT PICK-UP LINE WAS PATHETIC. I'VE HEARD MY GRANDPA HAVE BETTER PICK-UP LINES THAN YOU. STICK THAT IN YOUR JUICEBOX AND SUCK IT."

Lily concluded this statement with a resounding _SMACKKKK_ to Potter's smirking face.

She concluded her message to her tormentor by kneeing him between his legs. Try having the confidence to ask her out again after that.

As he knelt over in pain, his head was lowered enough to be within Lily's range. She leaned over, and whispered, "Besides Potter, I'm doing you a favor. Now you'll have an excuse for your tiny size." in his ear.

Lily sashayed away after that, not noticing how many male heads' turned as she left the scene.

Maybe today wasn't a complete failure after all. In fact, it was kinda fun.

Later that night, after waddling to his room, James collapsed on his bed. He went over the incident in his mind again. He didn't mean to say that to her, it just came out. He had been captivated by those green eyes, and red hair. It wasn't fair how beautiful Evans was, not to mention that unreal scent that stuck to her.

Hoping for some sympathy, James poured out the tale to Sirius, Peter, and Remus. He didn't get it.

He got more laughter.

"James, I cannot believe you used that line on her! That's older than Dumbledore!" Remus gasped.

"Prongsie, my boy, you have much to learn." Sirius informed him.

"Mate, I've used better pick-up lines than that before." Peter squeaked.

Ouch. If even Peter had better lines than him, James knew he was in trouble.

With that, Padfoot, Prongs, Moony, and Wormtail set to thinking of more ideas to win Lily Evan's heart. Who knew? One of the list might actually work.

**Welllll, how was it? I wasn't really sure how to do Lily's response, or the conversation between the boys, as I am a girl, and don't think that way, and have never been that obsessed with someone.**

**Review, pleaseeeee? CONSTRUCTIVE criticism would be great(: Please? Also, I'm not a planned funny person usually, it's spontaneous, so let me know if you have any ideas for any of the ways to annoy(: Thanks, review please(:**

**~Blue Raspberry**


	3. Way to Annoy Lily Evans: Number Two

**HEY! Thanks to everyone who reviewed and favored, it made my day(: Anyway, on to reason number 2! I love you all! Thanks(: OH! And, to anyone who's wondering, I'm thinking this chapter is taking place in… Third year? Yeah, lets go with that. I'll try to specify which year everything is happening in from now on(:**

_Number Two Way to Annoy Lily Evans: Tell her you had a vision from God, telling you that you two WILL end up together one day._

Today was the day. Today was the day James Potter was finally going to win the heart of the elusive Lily Evans. He just had that feeling. Just how wrong would he be this time?

Breakfast this morning was glorious. Lily had had a surprisingly Potter-free walk to the Great Hall, and was enjoying her freedom while she could. She chatted with Emma and Alice, exchanging girl talk about Lily's new crush, Michael Davies. All in all, it was a pretty good morning.

But, alas, it was not to last.

As Lily was starting on her customary last piece of bacon, something tapped her shoulder. Uh oh. She whipped around, her red hair flying in all directions, and found a most unwelcome sight.

James Potter's famous hazel eyes were staring back at her green ones. James had barely an inch on the curvy, petite, beautiful redhead in front of him.

Sighing, Lily stood up, ready to face whatever fail Potter planned today.

What she wasn't expecting was how Potter was attired. He appeared to be dressed as an angel. He had the whole shebang. A white robe, a halo that appeared to be floating, wings, and to top it all off, he seemed to be emitting a soft silvery glow. Lily knew immediately. This was Lupin's work. She made a mental note to get back at her semi-friend later for helping the bane of her exsistence.

Potter spoke. "Lily?"

"Yes Potter?" Lily asked irritably, popping out a hip and placing her fist on it. Potter's eyes followed the movement, and it took him a moment to refocus his eyes on her face. Some angel.

"Are you religious?" What? Didn't see that one coming. Before Lily could respond, Potter plunged along.

"Because, you know, last night I had a vision from God, and he told me that one day, we WILL be together." Potter declared in saintly tones.

Lily didn't move. You could visibly see Potter loosing his confidence, nervousness replacing the oh-I'm-so-cool façade as the most notoriously temperamental girl in the school digested what he had just said to her.

"Ahhhh, HELLLLLLLL NO." Lily drawled, oozing attitude, and drawing her wand in a fluid motion. Lily was also known as one of the best and brightest witches to ever walk through the doors of Hogwarts.

Lily stalked forward, kneed Potter in the groin, leaving him doubled over in pain. To add insult to injury, Lily gracefully whirled her wand, removing Potter's glowing robes, and leaving him in his boxers, covered in snitches.

Lily strided out of the Great Hall, as if nothing had happened, leaving a chaotic scene behind her. Most her doubled over in laughter, having witnessed the great and popular James Potter schooled by Lily Evans. That day, even some of the Slytherins gained respect for the fearsome Lily Evans and her magical wand and knees.

Cameras were appearing as James waddled out of the Great Hall as fast as he could, the wolf whistles of Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, and Peter Pettigrew echoing behind him, mocking him as he waddled, looking distinctly like a hairy penguin.

The next day, James Potter walked in to breakfast, determined to redeem his reputation. He had his swagger on, and his hat sideways, feeling like he owned the world.

He looked around, watching for the familiar fire-red hair of Lily freaking Evans.

James didn't find her. Instead, he found photos of himself, clad in his favorite boxers, doubled over in pain, magically glued to the walls, tables, ceiling, benches, the High Table, any available purpose.

So much for his redeeming his reputation.

**SO! What did you guys think? I won't normally swear in my chapters, but I thought it fitting for Lily to say that, considering the line James used on her… Anyway, REVIEW! PLEASE!**


	4. Way to Annoy Lily Evans: Number Three

**HEY! Ohkay, to the hat sideways thing, lets just say it wasn't sitting at the top of his head… More to the side, near his ears, ya know? Anyway, chapter 3! Oh, by the way, this takes place in… sixth year!**

**~Blue**

_Number Three Way to Annoy Lily Evans: __Tell her that she got drunk last night, and that in her drunken state, she declared the love for you she'd been withholding, and ended up married to you in a ceremony preformed by Dumbledore._

Saturday morning AeLily Evans woke up with a pounding headache, and no memory of the last 12 hours of her life. Ughhh this had better just be some extreme form of PMS.

Lily stumbled out of bed and headed to the showers, not noticing the thin gold band on her left ring finger.

James smirked as he waited. Ohhhh, today was gonna be perfect. Lily would have no choice but to date him now.

He kept his post by the bottom of the girl's staircase, nodding and smiling as girl after girl passed him, just not the one he was searching for, ready for his plan to begin.

Finally, looking as though she had been dragged to hell and back, Lily descended the stairs, Her red hair was in a messy bun, falling all over the place. Her eyes were bloodshot, and she clutched her head as if it was killing her. Which it should be according to his brilliant plan.

With a little help from Moony, Padfoot, and Wormtail, James was about to pull off the best Lily Evans catching maneuver ever. Right about now, Lily's should have a killer headache, and no memory of the last twelve hours, as if she had a mega hangover.

James moved to block Lily's way, standing in front of the last step of the staircase. Lily's attempt to move him was so pitiful it almost didn't register on the muscular James. Even though Lily was exceedingly petite, James had been on the receiving end of her punches often enough to know that Lily had strength. Moony's potion must have worked better than anticipated.

"Move Potter, I don't have the energy to deal with you today." Lily mumbled, eyes have closed.

"Aw, common Lilykins, you're not even going to congratulate me on my great Quidditch performance last night?" James asked, struggling to keep a straight face.

Lily answered by finally succeeding to move around him and out the portrait hole.

James moved to catch up with her.

"Lily, you know, most people spend their first few days of marriage on a honey-moon, even if one of them is still terribly hung over. Who knew you were such a party girl inside?" said James slyly, wagging his eyebrows.

Lily stopped, and took a moment to process what he had just said.

Huh? What was Potter going on about this time? Hung over? Her? That would explain her headache and memory-loss, but she didn't drink anything stronger than butter beer! How was that even possible? Party girl? Her? The only times Lily let people see that side of her was with Emma and Alice during their summer club hops!

Second, marriage? With a dawning horror, Lily looked down at her left ring finger, where a sudden weight had suddenly descended.

A thin, glitter, gold band rested upon her slim finger.

No. No. No. This could not be happening!

Lily looked to James with murder in her eyes.

"Lily, my dear, you see, last night during the Quidditch victory party, you got terribly drunk, admitted you love for me that you had been withholding from embarrassment in your drunken state, and somehow, we ended up married in a ceremony preformed by Dumbledore! How splendid is that?" James was beaming by the end of his little speech.

No way had this happened. Lily's eyes narrowed, and her eyes drifted down to Potter's hand. No ring.

Suddenly, a memory danced through her mind, of Peter purposely sitting by her at dinner last night, reaching past her to grab something, and a clink of something that sounded suspiciously like bottles as he retracted his pudgy hand.

Lily sorted through her thoughts, finding her last memory of last night, Sirius approached her with his wand outstretched… Suddenly, it all made sense. This was just another of Potter's schemes to woo her.

There was a reason Lily was considered the brightest witch in the year.

Just as Lily had the truth visit her, Remus, Sirius, and Peter skidded towards the pair. Remus, being the smartest of the foursome, saw the realization in Lily's eyes as he took in the scene and started to turn around, dragging the rest with him.

"Stop. Come back here Remus." Lily said in a dead quiet voice that promised violence.

Knowing it would be worse to resist, the three turned around and made their way back to Lily.

Lupin pressed a vial into Lily's handed, and went back to stand with his friends, all watching in terror as Lily downed the potion and life returned to her face, quadrupling her fury.

"So you four just decided it would be funny to convince me I'm married to Potter? Erase my memory? Slip me a Headache Solution? Slip this atrocity on my finger?" Lily asked, eyes flashing. All the boys started to back up, but their backs hit a wall and they knew they were screwed.

Lily pulled her wand.

James Potter, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, and Peter Pettigrew were not seen for a week.

When they finally did limp into the hospital wing, looking as though they hadn't eaten or showered in a week, Madam Pomfrey was at a lose at how to treat them.

"Whatever happened to you four? Did you meet He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named himself? I really cannot fathom how this could have happened otherwise!"

**Review please! Tell me how it is(: I love you all for reading(:**

**Love, **

**Blue Raspberry**


	5. Way to Annoy Lily Evans: Number Four

**HEY! I'm sorry it's been so long:P Anyway I've been uber busy sorry. So without further ado, Way to Annoy # 4. Takes place 6****th**** Year.**

_**Number Four Way to Annoy Lily Evans: **__**Convince her that her best friend was impregnated by Sirius Black.**_

As Emma ran to the bathroom yet again to throw up, Lily gave up. As much as she loved Em, she could not stand to hear the sound of vomit again.

Throwing on her clothes for the day, Lily stalked down the Girl's Dormitory stairs. Just as she was about to hit freedom, a voice floated down from the stairs.

"Lily dear! Are you leaving again? Why do you have to be so mean?" Emma moaned, sobbing near the end.

Lily ignored her.

Lately, the gorgeous red-head though, Emma had been acting weirder than usual. Morning sickness, mood swings, and a sudden clinginess to Sirius Black.

Not to mention the ridiculous cravings. And weight gain. Only on her abdomen area.

Almost like she was pregnant… but no.

Couldn't be.

Only person Em had ever slept with was Sirius Black, 3 months ago.

Sirius Black, was well known for ALWAYS using protection.

Shaking the feeling off, Lily went to breakfast, ignoring the usual stares men sent in her direction.

Sitting down at the table, she spotted eggs, and remembered Emma's ridiculous craving for them a week ago.

She promptly lost her appetite.

Lily groaned, and thumped her head on the table.

The sound of a body moving in on the bench next to her wasn't motivation enough to raise her head and move her fiery hair out of her face.

Until she heard HIS voice.

"Ahh Lily, darling, do you want me to kiss it better? That sounded like it hurt!"

Potter.

Efff.

Lily tried to ignore him, but as his hand reached for her head and brushed her hair, she decided it was time to take action.

Moving faster than one would have thought possible for her size, she sat up, grabbed his hand, and pinned it to the table.

"Never. Touch. My. Hair." Lily whispered menacingly.

"Alright, point taken. Anyway, I heard about Emma's issues. Morning sickness, mood swings, cravings, weight gain, etc. And I just wanted to tell you, she's pregnant." James told her bluntly.

'Wow, way to soften the blow' Lily thought.

It did make sense.

But that could only mean one thing.

"SIRIUS BLACK GOT MY 16 YEAR OLD BEST FRIEND PREGNANT?" Lily screamed into James's face, trying to ignore the way those gorgeous hazel eyes were boring into my green ones… Wait. Did I just say gorgeous and Potter in the same sentence? I'm losing my mind. All ran through Lily's head.

"Why yes. Way to figure it out already!" James cackled, reaching for my hand (which I had yanked away from his), but Lily was already out and racing down the Great Hall.

If she had turned around, she would have seen Sirius, shaking his floppy black hair out of his handsome face, pat James on the back, as they strolled out of the hall together, humming the national anthem together.

**3 AND A HALF MINUTES LATER:**

"EMMA! ARE YOU PREGNANT WITH SIRIUS BLACK'S CHILD?" Lily flew into their room in a rage, face red enough to match her hair.

Emma and Alice, whose heads had been bent together, started laughing uncontrollably.

"Took ya long enough." Alice chuckled.

There was a pregnant pause. ( **A/N Ahaha I just had to say that)**

Emma sighed.

"Lily, of course I'm not pregnant. James and Sirius convinced us to play the joke on you. Chill." She explained, watching Lily's face.

"Not funny."

With those parting words, Lily stalked out of the dormitory, and made a bee-line for the sixth year boy's dormitory.

**34 SECONDS LATER…**

"Potter, Black. Against the wall." Lily spat as she walked into the room.

"Sounds kinda kinky Evans." James said as she waltzed up to him.

They all started to laugh, but at the look on Lily's face, it died down just as quickly.

Her wand drawn, the fearsome ginger advanced.

**MEANWHILE, DOWNSTAIRS IN THE COMMON ROOM…**

"Any one else hear those freakishly girlish screams coming from the boys' dormitory?" A small first year asked his friend.

"Lily Evans just went up there, wand drawn." His older and wiser third year sister informed him as she walked by.

"Oh. That explains it." He said, turning back to the chess game in front of him.

**WELL! What did you think? Good, bad, both? Review my loves!**

**Love,**

**Blue Raspberry**


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